Letter to a Spammer

Dear Mr/Ms Juicy Louboutin Replica Shoes

As you have clearly spent so much of your valuable time posting comments on my blogs it is only fair that I should reply.

I feel we have a lot in common as you have commented on all my blogs. You clearly share my interest in writing, finding homes for unwanted animals in Italy and the tarot. Do you know how unusual it is to meet someone that is so much on my wavelength? Is that why you are called Replica? Anyway, I am so pleased to have met a fellow writer/animal lover/italophile/tarot coach!

On the subject of your name, may I ask you about that? I have heard of people being named after football teams and film stars but never shoes! Was your mother a shoe fanatic? Did you change your name by deed poll? I’d love to know. If I could respectfully suggest that you use a different and perhaps slightly more innocuous one when you are posting comments then it might help. Otherwise people could get the wrong impression about your posts and think you were a – sorry about this – spammer.

Talking about your posts, I hope you don’t feel offended that I delete them? It’s nothing personal but I am just not sure some of my readers would appreciate the full depth of thought and meaning behind them. Of course, I fully acknowledge the fact that you had followed my advice about tapping into the creative right hemisphere of your brain when you posted the comment: “Lying in the mud only people who never before would not fall into a pit.” That is a very ‘right brain’ comment and you are obviously thinking out of the box. Well done!

However, I must admit that, much as I am a lover of the cryptic repost, your comment on my post ‘Don't Forget the Ordinary Dogs' about finding a home for Argo had me foxed, if you will forgive the pun. You wrote: “Blow off an armful of dream.” Was that in code? Is it an anagram? Maybe you were offering Argo a home? I’m not sure how I would get him to the Ukraine, but I could look into it. If you could elucidate then certainly I could post any clarification you would care to offer.

Ah offers. That brings me to your emails. Now, you can’t fool me. I know your style. Being a writer I pride myself on recognising a certain turn of phrase and so I knew it was you when you sent me that very nice email this morning offering to donate $5000 to my Pets in Italy website. Just to digress for a moment, as I used to be an EFL teacher maybe I could give you a few tips on grammar? Take the phrase: “I am in my late 70's with no child.” In English the plural of ‘child’ is ‘children’, so we would say "I am in my late seventies with no children." Just a pointer for next time. Also I am slightly worried about your precarious physical position as you write: “I am on wheel chair now.” I hope that is a misunderstanding on the use of the preposition rather than a septuagenarian balancing feat. (Mind you if you are still wearing your Louboutins at 70 plus, then good luck to you, I say!)

Finally, you have asked in a recent communication if I would look after a large sum of money for you left by a distant relative in Nigeria. (You get around, don’t you?) I would be more than happy to do that. All I need is for you to send me your bank details and online password, a photo of yourself in your underwear (you asked me if I wanted one) , your credit card (original please) and ten pairs of new juicy shoes in size 6.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon, (I know I will!)
Your friend, Fiona

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